I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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