i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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