I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
