if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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