M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
