The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
