Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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