I wish I could punch you in the face.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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