What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
