Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
