Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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