Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
