Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
