It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
