it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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