Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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