saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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