he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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