You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
