well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
