I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
