So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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