Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
