Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
