i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
