Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
