so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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