I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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