so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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