Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
