My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
