What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
