she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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