I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There r osticjed everywhere
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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