you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
