She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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