Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
