yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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