woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
