I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
