hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
