I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
