is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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