Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
