I met the friendliest cop last night
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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