Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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