Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I came so hard my ears popped.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
