I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
grandma shit on top of the toilet
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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