We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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