I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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