Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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