Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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