he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
