at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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