i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
