we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
