You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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