im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
