i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I want her autograph on my taint
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
