$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
