My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize