I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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